Lessons Learned From BlogHer by Flat Bad Momma

(click on photos to see full size)
Lesson 1. When carpooling you should run a background check on the people in your carpool.

Who knew that there were a few outstanding warrants in several states for Amy T. "Doobleh-vay" Sharp? Pretty sure she committed more than a few parole violations over the course of the weekend.


Lesson 2. Make sure you carry some clean hankies or wipes.

While it was very exciting to get to meet many of my blogger friends in person, between the smootchies, tears and spilled drinks, I was pretty sticky by the end of the weekend.


Lesson 3. Either lock up your liquor or be clear as to what is communal property.
Who knew that it wasn't 2 bottles per person like it is at home.I guess I forgot to tell my roomies about my "hollow leg". ( Glad Flat Weasel Momma wasn't in our room, supply would have been depleted in under an hour.)

Lesson 4. Good idea to run background checks on your roomies as well. There are a few NSF photos that are making their way around Flickr. Who knew when seemingly level-headed moms get away from home and have a few cocktails they turn into wild animals. There goes any chance of running for public office.... I hope my family doesn't see these.

Lesson 5. Going Flat was a cool idea! Thanks to Darryle P for the idea of going big.

DarryleP@ElisaC @badmommablogger Go "Flat" to BlogHer--- next best thing to being there. http://tinyurl.com/chj4yp2

I was able to sneak in to sold-out events and even cut in line to meet cool people like Carson "The Queer Eye" Kressley. Thanks for not "outing me" Melisa!

While it was easier being flat when maneuvering the lines for swag, I am truly sorry for anyone I delivered a paper-cut to while doing so. However, it was totally worth the Fling. (best chocolate bar ever!).

I am having such a good time that I have stayed behind in the Windy City, spending time with family and waiting to meet up with Melisa, Sue, Michelle, Weasel Momma and the rest of their gang. Maybe I'll even make it to a taping of Suburban Wow!

Thanks so much to Momo Fali for taking me. And for Piper, Melisa, Momo & Amy for the fun photos. (sucks that Momo lost her camera at the hotel & hope her missing pics don't fall into the wrong hands.)

Well, that's all for now. Hope to have more adventures in the next few weeks. As most of the weekend was a fuzzy haze, if you have any photos or stories about Flat Bad Momma, please share!

Bad Housewife

Potential Sponsor in The Making

July 22, 2009

A Mad Housewife Shout Out To Bad Momma!

Here's a Shout Out To

Bad Momma - Ramblings & life lessons from a late-in-life mom such as why it is important to use your reading glasses when dispensing medications!

We are happy to hear that we are a part of the Bad Momma "Pick Me" list. So glad that Mad Housewife wine can be there to take the edge off your days. And nights!

Bad Housewife? No, just a Mad Housewife!

Sorry guys, in addition to being a Bad Momma, I'm pretty sure I'm a Bad Housewife. Just ask my poor husband.

Mad Housewife wines needs to change with the times. There are many types of Housewives, have you never seen an episode of Desperate Housewives? What about the reality show(s) The Real Housewives of _______ (fill in the blank with your favorite metro city). Lonely & Naughty Housewives (pretty sure these are "dating" or "phone-in" services for which I will not link). And the list goes on and on...

I think Mad Housewife Wines should follow the folks at Jones Soda and start customizing your labels. And you should start with ME, Bad Momma!

Bad Momma Housewife Sauvignon Blanc

This crisp, elegant & fresh wine has the distinctive characteristics of grapefruit (for my acerbic wit) and grass ( stains that I can't get out of the boys' pants). A versatile vintage that can be paired with pizza, pasta or even chicken nuggets! Sip by the glass or chug direct from the bottle. Easy to open with Stelvin Closure (aka screw cap) Included are 2 extra-long bottle straws.


I think I am on to something. I could use a good agent in the Washington State area.
Any volunteers? Ann? I bet this is right up your alley!


If YOU were a wine, what would you be?

Bad Momma in the City!

I'm so excited! I finally got to meet Momo Fali. And she's taking me with her to BlogHer!!!!
One small problem. In order to make room for all the luggage & passengers that she is picking up along the way, I needed to be a bit more "compact".


There is quite a bit of road construction near her house ( actually all over the city - thanks to Stimulus Money). We quickly hatched a plan to create Flat Bad Momma. Thanks to the men in yellow hats & shirts, the steel road reinforcements worked really well.

To help polish me up a bit, I went to a nearby print shop, Photographic Creations where the owner, Mike took good care of me. He even introduced me to Buckeye icons, Kirk Herbstreit and Woody Hayes. What an honor!

Now I am with another "Buckeye Great" - Momo Fali who is graciously taking me for a wild and crazy weekend in Chicago. I hope all my blog friends who are going to BlogHer, will stop and take a photo with me. Rumor has it that I might be working registration. Momo also promised to take me to a few parties.

I can't wait!!!!!

One More Possible Sponsorship

In my last post, I mentioned a few products that I would be willing to shill for a reasonable "fee".
I forgot to mention one of my beauty staples: Garnier Nutrisse hair color.
HoneyDip #73 for the Summer and Brown Sugar #63 for the rest of the year.
I would make a great spokesmodel for the AARP set. (bastards won't leave me alone. For the last time: I don't want your stinking benefits and shiny membership card!)


Move over Sarah Jessica Parker, I'm taking over. It's Bad Momma in the City, baby!

Endorsements for a Late-In-Life Mom

Mike from Unraveling Life's Mysteries, posted about possible endorsements he was available for as an older father of teenage daughters. Products he could use in his daily life.

I was so inspired, I decided to come up with my own list. These are products that I actually use and would be willing to promote for a very reasonable fee.

The Bad Momma "Pick Me" List:

First off: Reading Glasses: Especially when dispensing medications. These handy magnifying lenses can help save lives! Thankfully I learned this before my children were seriously harmed. I'd be willing to do a PSA on this! The Importance of Reading Glasses After 40




Next on my list: Bandages, Anti-Bacterial ointment, First-Aid Kits. I have three boys. Enough said!


Another very important part of my life: COFFEE
It's what's for breakfast! I'd even be willing to be filmed riding a mule with Juan Valdez!




I also enjoy an occasional glass of wine to help take the edge off of a long day.

I think the folks at Mad Housewife should use me on their label when they come up with the next generation of vintages: Bad Housewife tm.





After my run-in with a stop-sign crashing driver, I would be happy to endorse Travelers Insurance (the at fault drivers insurance).

They were prompt and fair with the rental car & settlement. And no, alcohol was not involved!


The folks at Chrysler should use me as a "Spokes-model" for the Town & Country mini-van. We been proud owners of five of these reliable vans. (or as Weasel Momma likes to call them - "MILF mobiles) My latest is the 2008 with Stow-n-Go and the Touring Package. Came with 1 year of Sirius Radio and my husband is hooked on the Comedy Channel.

Next up is a very important part of my life, that keeps me connected: My "Smart Phone" - the Samsung Omnia. It was a ChanuKwanzamas present from the Cell-Phone Fairy.

There are a few drawbacks. In addition to "my butt dialing out" as well as texting without my permission, the screen is hard to read without reading glasses.

I would like to help with the next generation of cell phones for "Seniors" called the "Eye Phone"patent pending for the over 40 crowd.


And finally, thanks to the folks at AARP, I am now considered a "Senior". I have noticed as I have turned 50 this year, the aging process has accelerated and I could use a bit of maintenance.
I would love to work with the folks at Extreme Makeover for a new series: Extreme Makeover- The Senior Edition.

After helping to pioneer a new procedure, "The Elbow Lift", I would also like to be considered for a Tummy-Tuck, Neck Lift and Mini-Face Lift. ( and any other improvements deemed necessary to turn me into a Cougar.)

Going to BlogHer (sort of)

Momo Fali has graciously offered to take a flattened version of me with her to BlogHer. I would love to have my picture taken with you if you are going to be there. I should have a photo to post tomorrow of "Flat Bad Momma".

If any of you have connections to sponsors, feel free to hook me up!

Contemplating Getting Flattened for BlogHer

I'm contemplating getting "flattened" ala Flat Stanley style. I don't have a big, heavy bulletin board above my bed and I'm not sure that would work in real-life. I am thinking about following Weasel Momma's lead and offering Flat Bad Momma to a kind-hearted blogger that would take me with them to BlogHer in Chicago next weekend.

I don't like to plan ahead. BlogHer sold out in March. I thought about going to Chicago to visit my brother but next weekend is not a good time to stay with him. I also don't want to get arrested for trying to crash the gates on all the cool events that are totally sold out with a long wait-list.

The only logical choice is to make a flat version of myself and hope someone puts an end to the pity-party I am starting to have as I read about all my favorite bloggers that are going to meet up in the Windy City.

I promise I won't take up much room, I am very pleasant to be around (if I get my morning coffee) and I won't eat much. If anyone is interested in bringing me along, please let me know. I bet you could earn some sort of BlogHer merit badge.

Any volunteers????

Sum It Up Sunday - Week in Review

Summer is in full swing. The days are flying by. Only two more weekly swim meets left!
The boys are doing well and are accumulating stacks of ribbons. I wonder if they will miss their morning swim practices next month. The older two boys are volunteering at the library and all three are participating the the Summer Reading program. They also all have weekly music lessons; trumpet for Devon and piano for the other boys.

Life's A Gas

I am constantly amazed at the progress the boys are making. The other day my husband informed me that my eldest son figured out how to play the NBC theme song. At first Dad was not impressed, after all it is only 3 notes. "How hard is it to play three stinking notes?" my hubby inquired.

" It's ironic that you used the word "stinking". I played it with my butt" our eldest (and baddest) boy replied.

Ewwww. Glad I was't there! Does the "Butt Trumpet" count as a musical instrument? If so I have a very talented boy! ( and a stinky one as well). ;p

Speaking of gas, this is what I paid this week with my 30 cent Kroger Marketplace discount - $2.18.
Not bad.... My Three Sons in Missouri " finally saw 2.29 ... for gas" this week.

What I paid for gas using my 30 cent discount!

Anticipation is Making me Wait...
My Bush Champion Tomatoes are getting really big and I am anxiously awaiting their safe change to red. I keep hearing about this terrible Tomato Blight and am trying to closely monitor my plants. I am finding the typical spotting on a few branches of leaves but I don't think we have any with the late blight that the media is reporting. As I bought a bunch of plants from a grower that was hit (Bonnie Plants) I am concerned. I've worked too hard this year to lose my crops.

As seen in the photo above, these are the biggest tomatoes I have EVER grown! Can't wait for them to turn red.


Bowling for Discounts

Yesterday I took the boys bowling so they could use some of the "Free" coupons they have accumulated. All 3 boys were given coupons for 2 free games. (not including shoe rental). When we arrived at the alley, my youngest son informed me that he lost his coupon. I paid for his 2 games and the shoes for the boys which set me back $16.

After bowling we went to dinner to use another coupon for 15% off at one of our favorite Italian restaurants, where I dropped $70 for dinner for 4.

Evening out with my boys, PRICELESS!


Hot Mess
Dad was home last night working on fixing a leak in the hot water pipe. Still working on it today. The broken part is ancient and impossible to find. Hope he gets the problem fixed. Today. I need a shower. Badly!

Seems like everything in the house is breaking at once. My hubby just fixed the ice-maker. Next on tap after the Hot Water heater is looking at new dishwashers.

When it rains, it pours. Same thing happens when pipes & dishwashers are broken...

On that note, it is a sunny day & I think I'll take the boys to the pool. Might be the closest we'll get to having a bath or shower today!

Garden Buzz

Breakfast Tomatoes?

Recently I had applied my 2nd 20lb bag of coffee grounds that one of my co-workers had brought me for my vegetable garden. Her roommate works at Starbucks and they produce tons of coffee grounds that gardeners can keep from going into landfills.

I was concerned about how much is too much and consulted a friend who is a horticulturist. While coffee grounds are a great way to add acid to the soil, he was a bit concerned about how much caffeine would make its way into my vegetables. We decided that I probably should not add any more spent beans to my garden to be safe, although I am now wondering if my garden will now be caffeinated.

If so do you think there is a market for Hi-Test Tomatoes?


Shucking Peas

This is my first year for growing peas (Sugar Snap Peas). I used some of the early harvest to use on salads; I cut up whole pods before they fully matured. Now that the peas are getting bigger & ripe for shucking, I am realizing how much work must go into each can of peas at the grocery store. If I had to depend on my garden to feed my family, we would starve.

I have a whole new appreciation for farmers!


Dissecting Pine Cones

Earlier this week I traded some yellow squash for Basil with a friend. Some creature has been munching my Basil plants and there is not much to harvest. As we were swapping garden goods, we had a discussion as to the best way to prepare yellow squash. We both agreed that garlic, basil and pine nuts are important kitchen staples this time of year.

I had to ask my friend if she ever harvested pine nuts. I have heard that they came from pine cones and was curious if I could just get them from local pine trees. Turns out my friend had a confession to make. She had several Pine trees on her property and had dissected a dozen or so cones without any luck. She swore she would never tell anyone for fear of being labeled a nut.

I did some research on the web and it looks like only a few species of Pines in North America can produce these nuts used in cooking. If only I could figure out which trees to harvest and if there were any in my neighborhood, I could save some money at the grocery store!

Well time to get outdoors and get some fresh air. I also need to see if there is anything else I can harvest today. Looks like it will be a few more weeks till my Better Boys, Big Boys & Early Girls will be ready. I wonder if they will have an extra "kick" to them......

Happy Sunday & Happy Gardening!

Mid-Life Crisis

Up to My Elbows in Self-Pity
The folks at AARP have got the Mid-Life Crisis Train rolling. The bastards won't leave me alone. It started right before my 50th birthday and a few days ago I received my 4th plastic "membership" card with a deadline of August to reply.

When I look in the mirror I swear I can see my neck slowly sag bit by bit each day. A few new gray hairs have turned into a big forest and I now need to color my hair every 6 to 8 weeks. The final straw was when I asked two of my boys if my arms looked saggy in my sleeveless dress.

Apparently I can still pass for 39, except in my elbows. When I straighten my arms the skin around that area sags. Is there such a thing as an elbow lift? I sure could use one! That will teach me to ask my boys for fashion advice. Kid's can be brutally honest....

In Memoriam
If that was not enough to put me over the edge, the recent list of Obituaries has sent me reeling.
First Farrah Fawcett (in her 60's but looked much younger), then Michael Jackson, age 50 with 3 children who are close in age to mine. TV Pitchman Billy Mays, age 50 followed close behind. On Sunday, the director of the Columbus Zoo, Jeffrey Swanagan, age 51 died of a heart attack suffered while mowing his lawn.

All these passages at a relatively young age have got me thinking of my own mortality. I'm not ready to leave this life yet.

Time for Some Light Housework

Well time to get off the couch, stretch and get a bit of exercise. Don't worry, I'll be sure not to over-exert myself. I don't want to suffer a heart attack while scaling the stairs with my laundry bucket. A few light loads should do the trick. At least I'll have clean underwear for when the EMTs come to haul me away....

Just kidding. I think. O.k. gotta go!