Up to My Elbows in Self-Pity
The folks at AARP have got the Mid-Life Crisis Train rolling. The bastards won't leave me alone. It started right before my 50th birthday and a few days ago I received my 4th plastic "membership" card with a deadline of August to reply.
When I look in the mirror I swear I can see my neck slowly sag bit by bit each day. A few new gray hairs have turned into a big forest and I now need to color my hair every 6 to 8 weeks. The final straw was when I asked two of my boys if my arms looked saggy in my sleeveless dress.
Apparently I can still pass for 39, except in my elbows. When I straighten my arms the skin around that area sags. Is there such a thing as an elbow lift? I sure could use one! That will teach me to ask my boys for fashion advice. Kid's can be brutally honest....
In Memoriam
If that was not enough to put me over the edge, the recent list of Obituaries has sent me reeling.
First Farrah Fawcett (in her 60's but looked much younger), then Michael Jackson, age 50 with 3 children who are close in age to mine. TV Pitchman Billy Mays, age 50 followed close behind. On Sunday, the director of the Columbus Zoo, Jeffrey Swanagan, age 51 died of a heart attack suffered while mowing his lawn.
All these passages at a relatively young age have got me thinking of my own mortality. I'm not ready to leave this life yet.
Time for Some Light Housework
Well time to get off the couch, stretch and get a bit of exercise. Don't worry, I'll be sure not to over-exert myself. I don't want to suffer a heart attack while scaling the stairs with my laundry bucket. A few light loads should do the trick. At least I'll have clean underwear for when the EMTs come to haul me away....
Just kidding. I think. O.k. gotta go!
6 comments:
LOL! Hilarious. I'm sure you will have another 50 years or more hauling laundry buckets up and down the stairs. And there's got to be an elbow-enhancement procedure. Whose elbow would you want your surgeon to copy? Angelina Jolie's?
Maybe they shoot collagen into elbows? The worst is unsolicited comments, my 10 yo told me my arms were "a bit jiggly" a few days ago!
We don't call you Bad Momma for nothing! Those elbows have at least another 50 years! enJOY your July 4th weekend!
I hide my arms whenever possible with 3/4-length or full-length sleeves. They're jiggly and the elbows don't look so good either. I'm also noticing some of the same signs of aging you are. Bummer.
Despite all of this, have a Happy 4th!
And be careful when you're doing the laundry!
Oh, you poor thing. That does sound like a bad week of constant reminders that your not 25 anymore. I think you should take the Maxine approach with a bottle of wine a box of chocolates and girl friends who are older than you to make you feel young.
Hey, if you find a cheap, simple elbow tuck, let me know, cause maybe I can use it for this annoying chin/neck of mine. Even when I've been certifiably skinny it looks like I brush my teeth with milkshakes.
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